Two Eskimos

[dinosaur]

The Pope was on vacation in Alaska and was cruising around a campsite in his car when he heard a commotion on the edge of the woods. Upon close inspection he found a guy dressed in shorts, sandals, wearing a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save The Trees " shirt. The guy was wrestling with a huge grizzly and losing.

Just then, a group of guys dressed in jeans and wearing "GO SARAH" shirts came up. One put a .44Magnum slug directly into the bear's chest while another pulled the screaming man from under the bear. The rest of the guys fininshed the bear off with baseball bats while the rescuer placed the injured man gently on the passenger seat of their pickup truck.

The Pope was impressed and told them it was wonderful to behold a group of obvious Republicans helping an environmentalist Democrat in his hour of need. The Pope drove off with a smile.

One of the guys said: "Who was that guy?"

His buddy said: "That was the Pope. He has great knowledge of God and access to all wisdom."

The first guy said: "He may have access to all wisdom but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we have to go back to Massachusetts for another one?"

[Grandpa]

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

[steves]

TRIP TO ITALY

A young New York woman was so depressed

that she decided to end her life by throwing

herself into the ocean, but just before she

could throw herself from the docks, a handsome

young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man.

"I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.

I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care

of you, bring you food every day, and keep you

happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that

she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman

accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard

and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment

in the hold. From then on, every night he would

bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,

and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks

later she was discovered by the captain during

a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"

she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free

trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added,

"Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Staten Island Ferry .

[oldsarge]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening

to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that

forgetful," she knocked on wood.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see

who's at the door."

[oldsarge]

An elderly Lady called 000 on her mobile phone to report that her

car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and

even the accelerator!" she cried.

The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the

Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by

mistake.."

[oldsarge]

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down

the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem

of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man

in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she

Said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[oldsarge]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely

see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to

major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on

through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing

it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few

more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was

red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger

seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really

concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next

junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So,

she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we

just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us

both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[oldsarge]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three, with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce !!!!!

[oldsarge]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that ev...en 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
__________________

[oldsarge]

Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18 '', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . ..


"They blow up so fast, don't they?"