Two Eskimos

[wvbreamfisherman]

Unashamedly stolen from my FB friend Carla:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."


The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


Three people were applying for the last position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

They all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file wrawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulling out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you must be able to detect. You must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

He flashed a photo in front of #1's face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you see anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
#1 immediately said, "Yes, he has only one eye."

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed."

The detective then turned toward the second candidate, stuck the picture in front of #2's face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?

"Yes, he has only one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told #1? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can see only one ear! You're excused!"

The detective turned his attention to #3 and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in front of #3's face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Do you see anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

#3 said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked at #3 with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

#3, with rolled eyes said, "Well Helloooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[dinosaur]

The following is a compilation of airport security statistics for the month of April from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorists Discovered - 0

Transvestites - 133

Hernias - 1485

Hemorrhoid cases - 3172

Enlarged prostates - 8249

Breast implants - 59350

Natural blondes - 3

It was also discovered that 535 congressional representatives have no balls.

[CozInCowtown]

Granndpa goes to Wal mart!!

A Chili Story…
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘You’re definitely going to **** yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2′.

Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Sonofa*****!’, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. *******s claim they’re going to have to repaint the store..

[oldsarge]

Four Guys Golfing:


During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:

First Guy :
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend... I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy :
That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy :
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him : 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy :
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? ' She said: 'Wear sun-block."

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


An office of the CIA wanted to add another female agent to their office, so they asked the three most qualified females to take the last required test.

Female #1 was told that her husband was in the room behind a closed door. Her task was to take a gun she was given and to go into the room her husband was in, and kill him.

She hesitated, started crying, and told them she couldn't do it.

Female #2 was told the same story, took the gun, got as far as the closed door, and exclaimed that she couldn't do it.

Female #3 took the gun, walked into the room, and fired thirteen shots. Then a variety of loud thrashing, crying, bouncing and tumbling sounds were heard coming from that room.

The agent in charge asked her what all the ruckus was about. She said that all the bullets were blanks, so she had to strangle him...!!

[dinosaur]

A man goes to his doctor and tells him he has a problem with gas. He says: Doc, I keep farting. I've farted at least twenty times since I came into your offices. They are all silent and they don't seem to stink but they keep coming at an alarming rate.

The doctor gives him some pills and tells him to take one a day and come back in a week. The week goes by and the guy returns and says: Doc, I'm still farting. The only difference is that now they smell just awful.

The doctor says: Good. We've cleared up your sinuses. Now we'll work on your hearing.

[oldsarge]

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[wvbreamfisherman]

Old one, but somehow struck me funny this morning.

Once upon a time there was a lady named Patricia Black. She'd had a rough time of it- lost a good job at a bank, and hadn't been able to find another one as good. She'd been working odd jobs here and there, when she got a chace to interview for a job as a loan officer at a small bank.

Well as it happened, she did well on the interview and was hired.

Her manager showed her her office and explained that she would be in charge of approving small personal loans. She was instructed to ask for collateral, and as long as it was adequate, to approve the loan.If the had any question about thecollateral, she was to ask her manager to check it.

The first few weeks went very well. She approved quite a few loans, and denied some customers who had little or no collateral.

One morning, a frog came in to her office and applied for a $1500 loan to refurbish his pad (get it?). His papers were all in order, so Ms Black asked him if he had something for collateral.

The frog said yes, and took out a small box. He opened it and unwrapped a beautiful statuette of a ballerina. "This is one of my most prized possessions" he told her.

She was a little doubtful that this was adequate collateral, so she told the frog that she need to check with her manager to make sure that his collateral was acceptable. The frog told her that it was no problem, so she called her manager and asked him to step into her office for a second.

He came in, and she explained the situation. "His application is all in order, Sir", she sai. "I'm just not sure it this is acceptable collateral". She handed her manager the statuette.

He looked it over for a few seconds, and smiled.

He turned to Ms Black, and said "It's a knick-knack Patty Black. Give the frog his loan!"

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


"Hello. This is the Incontinence Hotline. Can you hold please?"