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10-05-2012, 01:53 PM
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#221 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Liberty, N.Y. Lower Catskill Mountains. Posts: 2,254
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Hi...
Why are there no Wall*Marts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets...!!
"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness." Seneca | 
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10-06-2012, 08:57 AM
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#222 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Indiana Posts: 2,647
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What do you call one hundred attorneys skydiving out of an airplane?
Skeet.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx | |
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10-06-2012, 10:17 AM
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#223 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Richton Park, Illinios Posts: 2,965
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You know why there are no jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?
The punch line was to long!
Efficiency: When in doubt, empty your magazine!
"If you become involved in a crisis situation, you will not rise to the occasion but, rather, default to your level of training." | |
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10-06-2012, 10:49 AM
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#224 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Liberty, N.Y. Lower Catskill Mountains. Posts: 2,254
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Hi...
What's the difference between finding a deceased attorney or coyote on the road?
The coyote will have skid marks in front of it...!!
"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness." Seneca | |
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10-06-2012, 04:19 PM
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#225 | | eyebp's mentor
Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Texarkana, TX Posts: 137
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinosaur  What do you call one hundred attorneys skydiving out of an airplane?
Skeet. | I thought it was called air pollution. 
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10-06-2012, 05:08 PM
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#226 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2011 Location: West Virginia Posts: 1,301
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What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer....
Nothing! There are some things even pigs won't do!
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10-06-2012, 07:38 PM
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#227 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Richton Park, Illinios Posts: 2,965
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The Stranded Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway... "Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Efficiency: When in doubt, empty your magazine!
"If you become involved in a crisis situation, you will not rise to the occasion but, rather, default to your level of training." | |
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10-13-2012, 06:15 AM
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#228 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Richton Park, Illinios Posts: 2,965
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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Efficiency: When in doubt, empty your magazine!
"If you become involved in a crisis situation, you will not rise to the occasion but, rather, default to your level of training." | |
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10-13-2012, 11:24 AM
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#229 | | Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Goatneck, Texas Posts: 1,538
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
Disclaimer:
Do not consume these thoughts or ideas if you have a history of high blood pressure, heart problems, tendency to get your panties in a bunch, mangina issues, no sense of humor, realization that you need to wear a tin foil hat, lick glass, want to cry like a sissy or still live with your mom. | |
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10-13-2012, 11:52 AM
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#230 | | Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Goatneck, Texas Posts: 1,538
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I just do not want to know why!
Disclaimer:
Do not consume these thoughts or ideas if you have a history of high blood pressure, heart problems, tendency to get your panties in a bunch, mangina issues, no sense of humor, realization that you need to wear a tin foil hat, lick glass, want to cry like a sissy or still live with your mom. | |
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