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04-07-2011, 07:35 PM
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#21 | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 1,750
| HA! Love the goat joke.
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04-11-2011, 11:31 AM
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#22 | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 1,750
| Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, “If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down.” “And if you were a lady,” replied Roger, “you'd stand up and let four people sit down.”
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04-16-2011, 04:07 PM
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#23 | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 3,421
| A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theater and later had drinks.. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'
'No,' she replied...
'You just happened to catch my eye...'
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04-16-2011, 04:28 PM
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#24 | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 3,421
| As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late... and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left... And they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down.
The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen NOTHIN' like that before .... And I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years..!!"
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04-17-2011, 05:07 AM
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#25 | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Durham, NC Posts: 1,821
| oldsarge you can type a joke like no one else!!! They say that laughter is the best medicine and your jokes have helped many of my patients and families find a bit of humor in an otherwise horrible day.
FreshAirLover, your eskimo joke has been tailored many times to suit the situation and is always a big hit. I am one who cannot tell a good joke but that one is hard to mess up and lord knows I've tried! Thank you for sharing!
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04-17-2011, 06:11 AM
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#26 | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 3,421
| Quote:
Originally Posted by Judy Ann oldsarge you can type a joke like no one else!!! They say that laughter is the best medicine and your jokes have helped many of my patients and families find a bit of humor in an otherwise horrible day.
FreshAirLover, your eskimo joke has been tailored many times to suit the situation and is always a big hit. I am one who cannot tell a good joke but that one is hard to mess up and lord knows I've tried! Thank you for sharing! | This is nice to hear, thank you! Laughter is the best medicine, I've seen some real crappy situations be turned completely around with laughter.
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04-26-2011, 05:07 PM
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#28 | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: SE Idaho Posts: 4,542
| I became very confused when I hear
the word "service" used with most agencies, like:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Forest 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City , State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM !!! It all came into focus.
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04-26-2011, 07:48 PM
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#29 | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 3,421
| Great one Grandpa! How so very true!!
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04-27-2011, 08:05 AM
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#30 | Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Indiana Posts: 3,120
| A man is at a MLB playoff game and walks to his box seat on the first base side right behind the dugout. There is an older woman sitting to his left and an open seat between them where she has placed her jacket. Curious, the man inquires about the open seat which is quite rare for a playoff game. The woman says the seat is her husband's.
The man says "Is he at the concession stand?" She says "No. My husband passed away." The man replies "I'm so sorry. Couldn't you have given his ticket to one of his friends?" The woman looks at him and says "Oh, heavens no! They're all at the funeral."
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