Two Eskimos

[campfire]

Two guys were hiking in the forest when suddenly a bear surged out from behind a bush. They began running in the opposite direction, so the bear gave chase. Both hikers are running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

The friend says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

He replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!" And he was off...

 

[oldsarge]

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

 

[oldsarge]

George Carlin Strikes Again!

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

[dinosaur]

Here's a few from Stephen Wright:

1 I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced with exact duplicates.

2 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

3 Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

4 Half the people you know are below average.

5 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

7 All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

8 The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9 Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

10 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

11 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

12 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

13 If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

[Grandpa]

On the way to a monthly meeting, an elderly lady was stopped by a highway patrolman. He asked for her driver's license and insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to the patrolman. In with the cards he was surprised to see she had a conceal carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, body language or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9 mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all, and she responded once again she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. The officer then asked her what was she so afraid of? She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

 

[Grandpa]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.

'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.

With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

 

[dinosaur]

the environment

In line at the grocery store an older gentleman was asked by the clerk if next time he came would he bring his own grocery bag because plastic wasn't good for the environment.

The old guy said "Oh yeah, stay green, right?

The clerk responded, "that is our problem today because your generation didn't care enough to save the environment."

The old man responded: "Really. Sonny, in my day we returned our milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store so they could be returned to the plant, rewashed, sterilized and refilled. We walked up stairs because they didn't have escalators and we didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine everytime we had to walk two blocks.

We washed baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We washed clothes and hung them on the line to dry instead of sucking 240 volts at thirty amps from the grid. We used solar and wind power to do it. We had one TV with a screen the size of a handkerchief not a screen the size of Cleveland. In the kitchen we stirred by hand because we didn't have fifteen appliances preparing our food. When we mowed the lawn, we didn't fire up a gas engine, we used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't have to go to a health club and run on a machine that sucked more power from the precious grid.

And kids rode their bikes or the school bus to school. They didn't turn their mothers into a 24 hour a day taxi service burning more fossil fuels. And we sure as hell didn't need electronics communicating with a satellite 2,000 miles in space to find the nearest pizza joint.

So, take your green thing and shove it up your ass. Your generation is finding a lot more ways to screw up the environment than mine did.

 

[oldsarge]

As many of you know, Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, this gave him very calloused feet. He also eschewed most worldly things, such as a rich diet, so he ate very little, which made him quite frail. His poor diet, however, also gave him pretty bad breath...

which made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[oldsarge]

Hot Air Balloon


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,


"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.


She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.


"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."


The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."


"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"


"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.

You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

 

[oldsarge]

Two Good ol' boys in a North Carolina Mountain bar were sitting around talking one afternoon
over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.

Pretty soon, the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday
& make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby,
would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes
thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,

"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would sure make us even.

 

[ChadTower]

You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Haha. That one wasn't funny until it got there. :tinysmile_fatgrin_t

 

[oldsarge]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the subscriber's house..

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a
steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[ChadTower]

Hahaha. Love it.

 

[oldsarge]

A Utah farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.

 

[perchbutt]

what did the little fish say when he ran into a brick wall?
dam!

 

[oldsarge]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.



The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."



The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[Judy Ann]

5 NUNS IN A BAR
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighbourhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

(SCROLL DOWN)

 

[Judy Ann]

Picture 5 Nuns sitting on barstools that looked like sexy female legs in stockings and high heels from the seat down. Sorry the picture didn't come through!

 

[oldsarge]

Here you go!

 

[Grandpa]

Lol, that would shake the good fathers up a bit.