Two Eskimos

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Cordury pillows are making headlines.

Red meat is not bad for you...fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

 

[oldsarge]

Hi...


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Cordury pillows are making headlines.

Love it!!!!

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

 

[Theo]

A priest, a rabbi and a bear walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says' "What is this? A joke."

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

 

[oldsarge]

“Prosecution of the faulty limpet mine manufacturer began but the charges just wouldn't stick.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

 

[oldsarge]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

 

[Pathfinder1]

oldsarge;

Prosecution of the faulty limpet mine manufacturer began but the charges just wouldn't stick.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.



Hi...


#1 really got me chuckling...!! :tinysmile_fatgrin_t

 

[dinosaur]

A man was riding on a bus but the driver was drunk and had an accident. The rider lost both of his legs. He sued the driver and the bus company but lost.

The judge said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

 

[Pathfinder1]

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular wine taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

An old retired pilot, drunk and with a raggedly dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a northern slope, matured in steel barrals. Low grade but acceptable".

"That's correct", said the director. "Another glass, please".

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 60 degrees".

"Absolutely correst. A third glass".

"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusivel", he calmly said.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came in with a glass of urine. The old guy tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"

 

[Grandpa]

For that "I HATE MY JOB DAY"

Think about Johnson and Johnson. When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite
chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small
print there is this statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend Watson, saying "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars".

"What does that tell you?", asked Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorlogically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes"?

"Watson, you idiot...someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[Pathfinder1]

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2) Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 to keep up with me. Good job!

5) Are you Andy or Barney?

6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8) Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

9) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

10) When the officer says "Gee son...your eyes look red...have you been drinking"? You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer...your eyes look glazed...have you been eating doughnuts"?

 

[Grandpa]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

One of the consequences of typing the wrong email address!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 16, 2012

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen to it that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

[oldsarge]

Great one Grandpa!!!!!

 

[steves]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

He said to himself.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen

 

[Grandpa]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?











Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

 

[Grandpa]

.A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

 

[Pathfinder1]

COWBOY RULES FOR:

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska. Idaho, and the rest of the wild west are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3.Let's get this straight: it's called a GRAVEL road. I drive a pickup because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 and I-40 go east and west. I-17 and I-15 go north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. Better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No. There's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are 3 main dishes: Meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup! Oh, yeah...we don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards...it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! that thumpity-thump ain't music anyway. We don't want to hear that anymore than we want to see your boxers!

:tinysmile_fatgrin_t:tinysmile_fatgrin_t

 

[oldsarge]

It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick .........
My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!