Two Eskimos

CozInCowtown

CozInCowtown

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Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a friggen' cat!!!
 
CozInCowtown

CozInCowtown

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They just recently found over 200 dead crows near Halifax N.S. and there was concern they may have died from Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and he confirmed
the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and 2% were killed by car impact.

The Province of Nova Scotia hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages of the truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the look-out crow could say "CAW" but he could not say "TRUCK"

Now you know.
 
CozInCowtown

CozInCowtown

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In New Zealand, a trainer has successfully taught a dog how to drive a car.

The downside? A big pile of unpaid barking tickets. (I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist)
 
oldsarge

oldsarge

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CozInCowtown said:
In New Zealand, a trainer has successfully taught a dog how to drive a car.

The downside? A big pile of unpaid barking tickets. (I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist)
Click to expand...
But if they park in front of a fire hydrant, they can always claim they were using the bathroom!
 
CozInCowtown

CozInCowtown

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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
 
oldsarge

oldsarge

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As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m.
Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly .. Peter, Peter, something or other..
 
oldsarge

oldsarge

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I met a fairy today. He said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever", I said.

"Sorry", said the fairy. "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine", I said, "Then I want to die as soon as Congress gets its head out of its ass."

"You crafty *******", said the fairy.
 
oldsarge

oldsarge

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One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Grandpa

Grandpa

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The Patterson/Gimlin footage. Interesting, how it is walking through rough terrain and looking backward for several steps without slowing. I've heard a lot of comments on this footage and no one has mentioned that. I know I can't even walk on a rough trail and take that many steps without slowing or looking down. If I tried that bushwhacking, I'd have a fine trip for sure.
 
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