Two Eskimos
- Thread starter dinosaur
- Start date
Pathfinder1
Well-Known Member
Hi...
Not a joke, but something I wittnessed yesterday. In a vehicle parked next to mine was a poodle in a car. It was jumping around and yipping, although a window was slightly open.
When I took a closer look, I saw that the passenger seat was COVERED in doggy doo. That indicated (to me, anyway) that the dog had been there for a while.
I was going to report it to the Police on my way home, when the owner came out of the Dollar Store, heading for her car. Of course, the poodle was glad to see her coming.
You should have seen the look on the face of the dog's owner when she noticed the passenger seat...priceless...!!:tinysmile_fatgrin_t
Not a joke, but something I wittnessed yesterday. In a vehicle parked next to mine was a poodle in a car. It was jumping around and yipping, although a window was slightly open.
When I took a closer look, I saw that the passenger seat was COVERED in doggy doo. That indicated (to me, anyway) that the dog had been there for a while.
I was going to report it to the Police on my way home, when the owner came out of the Dollar Store, heading for her car. Of course, the poodle was glad to see her coming.
You should have seen the look on the face of the dog's owner when she noticed the passenger seat...priceless...!!:tinysmile_fatgrin_t
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
In similar issue. I was leaving a parking lot and seen an unattended car running, with a baby in a car seat in back. I watched the owner leave the car about ten minutes earlier and walk into a store. It wasn't until I drove past that I seen the baby. I waited for another 5 minutes and then called the cops. I waited until they showed up, then watched the owner of the car walk up as the cops arrived. I was running late for an appointment and had to leave, don't know how it turned out.
CozInCowtown
Moderator
HUSBAND WANTED
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to
her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-
haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a
wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really
asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled,
"Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you
still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman
leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I
rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to.get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to
her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-
haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a
wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really
asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled,
"Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you
still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman
leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I
rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A Scotsman calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to
tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son replies.
...
...“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick
of talking about it, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced. I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and yells at her father “You’re NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing
until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife saying.
“Sorted! They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.”
tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son replies.
...
...“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick
of talking about it, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced. I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and yells at her father “You’re NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing
until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife saying.
“Sorted! They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.”
CozInCowtown
Moderator
A Texas rancher went over to England and decided to see the county side. He rented a car and while traveling down a country road he came across a nice looking farmhouse with lots of cattle grazing in the field. He pulled into the driveway, got out of his car and knocked on the door. When the farmer opened the door, the Texan explained that he was also a cattle rancher and was wondering about the different ranching methods used in England. He asked the farmer, "How big is your spread?" The farmer replied, "150 acres." The Texas rancher laughed and said, "Boy, I can get in my car and it takes nearly all day to get to my gate." The farmer replied, "I once had a car just like that." Texans aren't the only ones who can come back with a great line. LOL
(By the way, I was born and raised in the heart of Texas - I love Texas! It's a beautiful state and a whole other country. My point is, I was not offended and no one else should be either, so I don't want to see any hateful remarks. I make fun of everyone.
)
(By the way, I was born and raised in the heart of Texas - I love Texas! It's a beautiful state and a whole other country. My point is, I was not offended and no one else should be either, so I don't want to see any hateful remarks. I make fun of everyone.
)
Pathfinder1
Well-Known Member
Hi...
In cold country, people recycle their doggy doo and kitty poo with a nine iron.
And you can lock your car with a bucket of water.
And you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.
And pick-pockets are starving when they have to wear gloves.
In cold country, people recycle their doggy doo and kitty poo with a nine iron.
And you can lock your car with a bucket of water.
And you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.
And pick-pockets are starving when they have to wear gloves.
wvbreamfisherman
Active Member
On the finnier side of this, I was manning our station alone after the first due engine was out on a call. I got a call for a dog locked in the car at our local wal-mart.
It was a pretty hot day, so I thought the dog might be in trouble. I toke the rescue truck, and drove to walmart.
I get there, and here's an older lady getting a little hysterical about her dog locked in her car.
Turns out that she had a nice, nearly new Mercedes SUV (I have no idea what they are called), she'd left the car running to keep the dog cool, and was going to dash into the store.
Anyhow , the dog was boincing around and hit the lock button.
As with most car owners, she had the remote lock fob ON HER KEY RING, which of course was INSIDE the car in the ignition.
She starts yelling at me to hurry and get the car open.
I say "OK, Ma'am- which window do you want me to break?"
She says "I don't want you to break any of them!"
I reply "Ma'am I'm a fireman, not a locksmith- the only way I can get this car open is to break a window."
""But don't you have one of those things that you slide in the door to pop the lock?"
"No ma'am, we never had those, and even the cops don't use them much anymore on cars with electric locks, because it's too easy to damage the door."
"Oh, so what should I do?"
"Well, ma'am if you don't want me to break in, I'd suggest you call a locksmith or the auto club."
"But what about my dog?"
"The air conditioning is running, so he should be OK."
"Well...OK..."
So I go back in the rescue and left.
I have no idea what she eventually did, but I'll always treasure the expression on her face when I asked which window she wanted broken...
Pathfinder1
Well-Known Member
Hi...
IF ONLY IT WERE TRUE...!!
ISRAEL'S NEW CUTTING EDGE AIRPORT SECURITY...
TEL AVIV, Israel.
The Israeli's are developing a new airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armored booth you step into that will NOT X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of the flack about racial profiling, and will also eliminate the cost of long and expensive trials.
Imagine...in the airport terminal you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, you hear the following announcement: "Attention stand-by passengers. El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 607 to London, England. Shalom".
IF ONLY IT WERE TRUE...!!
ISRAEL'S NEW CUTTING EDGE AIRPORT SECURITY...
TEL AVIV, Israel.
The Israeli's are developing a new airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armored booth you step into that will NOT X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of the flack about racial profiling, and will also eliminate the cost of long and expensive trials.
Imagine...in the airport terminal you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, you hear the following announcement: "Attention stand-by passengers. El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 607 to London, England. Shalom".
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
Poor guy:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
Lst week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney call...ed his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney call...ed his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year lifespan."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year lifespan."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; then for next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
steves
Member
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
oldsarge
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A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
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A mother passing by her daughters bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made & everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands: "Dear Mum, it is with great regret & sorrow that I'm writing to you, I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you & Dad. I've been finding real passion with him & he is so nice, even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard & motorcycle clothes. But its not just the passion Mum, I'm pregnant & he said that we will b very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods & has a stack of firewood 4 the whole winter. He wants 2 have many more children with me & that is now one of my dreams too. He taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone & we'll be growing it for us & trading it with his friends for all the cocaine & ecstasy we want. In the meantime we'll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so he can get better, he sure deserves it! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll b back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Sophie... P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk top drawer. I love you! Call me when it is safe to come home.."
A man who lives on a lake is sitting in the glassed in heated porch overlooking the frozen lake one evening. He calls to his wife to bring him a beer. He hears her go to the fridge and return to him, handing him a beer and says: "Enjoy it. It's the last one.".
He says' Oh, hell! Marge would you go out and walk across the lake to the tavern and get me a six pack?". She says: "Okay but I'll need some money.". He says: "Just put it on my tab.".
She gets dressed and leaves and he watches her walk across the ice. She returns before he even finishes his first beer and she dutifully brings him another.
Then she asks: "Why did you ask me to put it on your tab? You always hate it when I charge things on my accounts at the stores?"
His reply - "I didn't want to give you cash. I wasn't sure the ice was thick enough to support you.".
He says' Oh, hell! Marge would you go out and walk across the lake to the tavern and get me a six pack?". She says: "Okay but I'll need some money.". He says: "Just put it on my tab.".
She gets dressed and leaves and he watches her walk across the ice. She returns before he even finishes his first beer and she dutifully brings him another.
Then she asks: "Why did you ask me to put it on your tab? You always hate it when I charge things on my accounts at the stores?"
His reply - "I didn't want to give you cash. I wasn't sure the ice was thick enough to support you.".