Two Eskimos

[CozInCowtown]

An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

• Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

• Meanness don't just happen overnight.

• Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

• You cannot unsay a cruel word.

• Every path has a few puddles.

• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

• The best sermons are lived, not preached.

• Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.

• Don't judge folks by their relatives.

• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

• Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

• Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

• Always drink upstream from the herd.

• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

• Live simply, love generously, care deeply.

• Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.

• Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

And, finally...

 

[Pathfinder1]

An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

• Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

• Meanness don't just happen overnight.

• Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

• You cannot unsay a cruel word.

• Every path has a few puddles.

• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

• The best sermons are lived, not preached.

• Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.

• Don't judge folks by their relatives.

• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

• Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

• Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

• Always drink upstream from the herd.

• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

• Live simply, love generously, care deeply.

• Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.

• Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.



Hi...


Excellent.

Will Rogers would loved to have said that...!!

 

[Pathfinder1]

October 20, 2010


Tuktoyuktuk, Northwest Territories


Dear OBC,


Two white guys walked into an igloo.

Shouldn't the second one have seen it coming?


Sincerely,


Two Eskimos

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?

He kept having the feeling he was following someone......

 

[Judy Ann]

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and 1 useless President"

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

 

[dinosaur]

Judy Ann, you left out your governor, state legislature and everyone in local government. Hope this helps.

 

[Judy Ann]

(Heel of hand to side of head) How could I have forgotten them? They should have been at the top of the list! Thanks

 

[Pathfinder1]

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and 1 useless President"

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

Hi...


I think that WAS an acceptable answer...!!

 

[steves]

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics
Everyday ten men go out for beer after work and the bill for all
Ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes
It would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and
seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them
a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce
the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so
the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. What about
the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20
windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20
divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then
the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by
roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each
should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men
began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He
pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar,
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got"
"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got
only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine
sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the
bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough
money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors,
is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get
the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them
for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact,
they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat
friendlier.

 

[CozInCowtown]

The FBI foiled a bomb plot targeting a Home Depot on Long Island last week.

Obama is officially blaming the incident on a bad Bob Vila YouTube video.

 

[CozInCowtown]

The wit of Scots

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.


The Scotsman replies, "Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,
"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

 

[jason]

Not really a joke, but I think this is more like if Charlie Mops wrote as Dr Seuss. Sure beats green eggs and ham.

I drink my beer from bottles or from cans
or right out of the tap where it stands
I drink it out of jars
under bridges or in bars
sometimes I do not even use my hands

I drink it out of Styrofoam or glass
I drink it on a Sunday after mass
I drink it till I think
I couldn't take another drink
then I drink until I fall upon my ...

 

[CozInCowtown]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R !

We missed the R !

We missed the R !

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was... 'CELEB R ATE !!!'

 

[CozInCowtown]

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish
blood, and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

 

[Judy Ann]

TWO BOYS ---BIG TROUBLE!!!!!!!

Too good not to share……

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,"Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

"What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

"We are in BIG trouble this time!""GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"


PLEASE DON'T LAUGH ALONE.

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


A lawyer and a Senior Citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks the Senior if he would like to play a fun game.

The Senior is tired, and wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you only pay me $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the Senior's attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The Senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the Senior and hands him $500.00. The Senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Senior up and asks, "Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep...!!

Don't mess with Seniors...!!

 

[CozInCowtown]

Same Sex Marriage

Norman and Barry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'

Again his mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says, 'Last night Norman came to my room for the vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

 

[CozInCowtown]

It was Entertainment Night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience"

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch......."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.

Suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!"........said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

And Claude never was invited back.

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

It was Entertainment Night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience"

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch......."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.

Suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!"........said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

And Claude never was invited back.

Along the same lines:

How do you make 75 little old ladies say "S**T!!!"


Have one of them holler "bingo!"

 

[CozInCowtown]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me
and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."