Two Eskimos

[oldsarge]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

 

[oldsarge]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Adult Jokes 18+

 

[oldsarge]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law* lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law* said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law* lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law* said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said

He'll be getting out of the hospital next week. They saved one of his testicles...but he'll always walk a little funny....

 

[beemerphill]

Farm Boys

You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:

At a high school in Kansas, a group of male students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are...
And you thought there was nothing to do in Kansas!

:tinysmile_fatgrin_t:tinysmile_fatgrin_t

 

[oldsarge]

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!"

 

[Pathfinder1]

You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:

At a high school in Kansas, a group of male students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are...
And you thought there was nothing to do in Kansas!

:tinysmile_fatgrin_t:tinysmile_fatgrin_t

Hi...


Back in the days when people actually wrote letters, I would occassionally number the pages of a letter exactly the same way.

Drove the readers nuts...!!:tinysmile_fatgrin_t:tinysmile_fatgrin_t

 

[beemerphill]

Deductive Reasoning

Moderators- There are no bad words or anything nasty in this one, but if you don't want it posted, just delete it. My feelings will not be hurt.


Having now been retired for a while, I sometimes have to create opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.

Swept some snow today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.


:tinysmile_fatgrin_t:tinysmile_fatgrin_t


Now That There Is Funny!!
Coz

 

[dinosaur]

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my 2 bucks and was making change when I discovered I had 8 cents in change. I handed it to her and she stood there not knowing what to do. Itried to explain that all she had to do is give me two quarters but she called the manager over and he tried to explain it to her. All the time she just stood there and cried.

Why am I telling you this? I am about to discuss the evolution of math in this country.

1950's Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

1960's Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price or $80. What is his profit?

1970's Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

1980's Math: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

1990's Math: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? How did the birds and squirrels feel about his cutting down their homes? There are no wrong answers and it is okay to cry.

2000's Math: Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapada $100. El costo la producciones es $80. Quanto dinero ha hecho?

Today's Math: Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's okay because it's redistributing the wealth.

 

[oldsarge]

Sid and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Sid suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Sid hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead".

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


FIRST DATE CONVERSATION


Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?
Man: About three six-packs.

Lady: How much does each six-pack cost?
Man: About ten dollars.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: Fifteen years.

Lady: So one six-pack costs you ten dollars and you have three six-packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year it would be $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.

Lady: If in one year you spend $10,800 not counting for inflation, the past fifteen years puts your spending at $162,000, correct?
Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put up in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past fifteen years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.
Man: So, where's your Ferrari?

 

[beemerphill]

Boots

This one has been around a time or two, but it might be new for some.


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pre-school class
pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Miss Smiff, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em..'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh, cry, or scream.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your gloves?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

:tinysmile_fatgrin_t:tinysmile_fatgrin_t

 

[oldsarge]

IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds ...that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'

 

[oldsarge]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife came up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation
he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening.

But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


(Recently...and gleefully...plagierised!).


A man wakes up one morning and finds a bear on his roof. So, he looks in the Yellow Pages and, sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removal". He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be there in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab its testicles with his jaws and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put it in the cage in the back of the van".

Then he hands the shotgun to the home owner.

"What's the shotgun for" asks the home owner?

"If the bear knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!"

 

[Gangplank]

A pirate and his parrot are stranded at sea in a liferaft. After rummaging through the supplies the pirate discovers a lamp. He rubs it causing a puff of smoke to emerge and a genie appears.

"I'll grant you one wish" he says.

The desperate pirate ponders his situation a moment and says "Turn the entire ocean into rum."

The genie claps his hands and disappears just as the seawater instantly transforms into rum. The pirate stares into the vast sea of liquor and smiles. He thought to himself he may die but at least he'll die happy.

Suddenly the parrot breaks the silence and squawks "Great now we gotta p*ss in the boat."

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


RELOCATING TO DETROIT


A flight was getting ready to depart for Detroit. Joe was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Joe asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit. There are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the Nation."

Joe replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"....I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

[oldsarge]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...


The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I've never felt better.”

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc?'


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story;

”I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead!”


”Now, what do you make of that?” asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”


The doctor replied “My point exactly!!”

 

[beemerphill]

Handicapped Parking

Today I had to go to the Fred Meyer.

As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!

"Oh, I'm sorry" I said. "I saw your ( insert appropriate politician's name here) bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder."

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!

 

[oldsarge]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"