Two Eskimos

[dinosaur]

An old prospector back in the 1880's walks his mule into town and up to the local saloon. He ties the mule off to the hitching rail and proceeds to dust himself off before going in to wet his thirst.

Just then a young gunslinger pushes out through the saloon doors. He has a gun in one hand and a bottle in the other. He looks at the prospector and says: "Hey, old man, did you ever dance?"

The old man says: "No, sonny, I never had the hankerin' to dance."

By this time a crowd had gathered sensing something was about to happen. The gunslinger says: "Well, old man, you're gonna dance now." With that he starts shooting near the prospector's feet and the old man dances around not wanting to be shot in the foot. The crowd is laughing and the gunslinger keeps shooting until he runs out of bullets.

The gunslinger turns to go back into the saloon and the prospector reaches over the mule's back drawing a 12ga. double barrel shotgun and clicks back both hammers. The crowd gets deathly quiet and the gunslinger, hearing that double click turns slowly back to face the prospector. His eyes get very large as he stares down the muzzle of that 12ga shotgun.

The prospector says: "Hey, sonny, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger says: "No,sir, but I always wanted to."

The morals of this are don't get full of yourself, don't waste ammunition, and don't mess with old people. They didn't get that way being stupid.

 

[Grandpa]

Not sure this is really accurate because it does not fit some french people that I know but it is funny.

Why did the British wear red coats in battle?

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won’t show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

 

[oldsarge]

That's outstanding Grandpa!

 

[jason]

Not sure this is really accurate because it does not fit some french people that I know but it is funny.

Why did the British wear red coats in battle?

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?”

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won’t show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

I will counter with this one:

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

 

[oldsarge]

The Cardiologist's Funeral


A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'


The proctologist fainted.

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...

An eight year old went to her Grandpa who was working in the yard and asked him "Grandpa, what is couple sex?"

The Grandpa was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to know to ask, then she's old enough for a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her about human reproduction. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him, with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the Grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple secs."

 

[Pathfinder1]

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grandchildren and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[beemerphill]

For the Cheeseheads

As a Cheesehead who escaped Wisconsin a while back, I still receive many emails from friends and relation up in the land of Bull**** and Beerfarts. Here is one I received this AM.


A recent study found the average Wisconsinite walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Wisconsinites drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Wisconsinites get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be from Wisconsin , doesn't it!

:tinysmile_fatgrin_t:tinysmile_fatgrin_t

 

[Pathfinder1]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about for a long time.

Finally he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied:

"You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

[CozInCowtown]

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary
for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton
if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clintonhad a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal.
"Just Think he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how
impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,
Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:

"I found out who peed in your saxophone."

 

[CozInCowtown]

 

[CozInCowtown]

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary
for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton
if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clintonhad a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal.
"Just Think he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how
impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed,
Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:

"I found out who peed in your saxophone."

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


KNOCK. KNOCK.

 

[Grandpa]

Hi...


KNOCK. KNOCK.

(I'm a sucker, I know:tinysmile_twink_t2

WHO'S THERE?

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

Banana!



Knock, Knock....

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


KNOCK. KNOCK.

Who's there?

Peanut.

 

[Grandpa]

Hi...


KNOCK. KNOCK.

Who's there?

Peanut.

Peanut who?

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


Peanut...your bed is on fire...!!

 

[Grandpa]

:fish:

Hi...


Peanut...your bed is on fire...!!

:fish:
:doh:

 

[Grandpa]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)












"What's a headache?"