Two Eskimos

[Grandpa]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:
No Christmas
No television
No nude women
No football
No pork chops
No hot dogs
No burgers
No bacon
No beer
Rags for clothes
Towels for hats
Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower.
More than one wife
More than one Mother-in-law!
You can't shave
Your wife can't shave
You can't wash off the smell of your donkey
You cook over burning camel crap
Your wife is picked by someone else for you
and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you, "When you die, it all gets Better"?
Well No *****, Sherlock
It's not like it could get much worse.

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


An addendum to the above...

They have primitive or no sanitary provisions, live in caves, governed by tribal chiefs, about as an unclean lifestyle as you could imagine...yet...any close-up pictures of them that I've seen show a mouth full of gleaming, white perfect teeth...!!

Go figure. :noidea:

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


Just got this from someone who lives in a State that recently approved both gay marriages and marijuana. Didn't fully comprehend the 'actual' meaning until I read it again...!!

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned".

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

Seen on the Internet:

Hurting you is the last thing I want to do....




But, it's still on the list!

 

[oldsarge]

Seen on the Internet:

Hurting you is the last thing I want to do....




But, it's still on the list!

Careful now, you may upset some!

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

Careful now, you may upset some!

I'll just add them to the list...plenty of room at the bottom...

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


Seamanship Test

One time during the underway watch the OOD (Officer Of The Deck) decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship.

"Chief, what would you do if the bow lookout fell over the side of the ship?"

"Easy sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures".

"What would you do if an officer fell overboard"?

"Hmmm", the Chief said. "Which one, sir?" :tinysmile_hmm_t:

 

[Joe S.]

Another Eskimo joke: What do you get when you take a native Alaskan and divide his circumference by his diameter? You get "Eskimo pi", of course!

 

[Pathfinder1]

Joe S.
Another Eskimo joke: What do you get when you take a native Alaskan and divide his circumference by his diameter? You get "Eskimo pi", of course!




Hi...


Thanks for my first chuckle of the ayem...!!

 

[CozInCowtown]

Redneck Test.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 65 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

 

[jason]

Hi...


Seamanship Test

One time during the underway watch the OOD (Officer Of The Deck) decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship.

"Chief, what would you do if the bow lookout fell over the side of the ship?"

"Easy sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures".

"What would you do if an officer fell overboard"?

"Hmmm", the Chief said. "Which one, sir?" :tinysmile_hmm_t:

I do not know why but I thought of this video right away. I'm sure it has been posted before but I still enjoy it.

The Front Fell Off! - YouTube

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

Shamelessly stolen from the internet:


Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
•Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
•If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
•If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
•If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
•If you are paranoid, we already know who you are and what you want, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
•If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
•If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
•If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
•If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.
•If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
•If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
•If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
•If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
•If you are depressed it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't do you any good anyway.
•If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

[Theosus]

I've heard a cop one like that...

Press 1 if you want us to raise your children
Press 2 if you want us to take over your life due to your chemical dependency
Press 3 if you got a ticket and want to say that you know someone powerful
Press 4 if you expect us to instantly solve a problem that took years to develop

And on....

 

[CozInCowtown]

4th Wedding Dress...

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue wouldbe nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband, asked the sales clerk?’

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

Yet another one shamelessly ripped from the pages of the internet:

A family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The family's 6 year old daughter took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

Eventually the construction crew - all gems in the rough - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother, who said the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless *******s at the lumber yard ever bring us the freaking wood", replied the little girl.

 

[CozInCowtown]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry….
===============
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.
===============
Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
===============
Customer: can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”
===============
Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
====================
Tech Support: What kind of equipment problem are you having?
Customer: The drink holder broke off my machine.
Tech Support: Drink Holder? - Can you describe it to me?
Customer: You know you push the button and the tray slides out to put you drink on.... Hello?
Tech Support - sounding Muffled and Laughing: - Hey anyone know if we have any spare DVD drives that don't pop out?

 

[Pathfinder1]

CozInCowtown;


Tech Support: What kind of equipment problem are you having?
Customer: The drink holder broke off my machine.
Tech Support: Drink Holder? - Can you describe it to me?
Customer: You know you push the button and the tray slides out to put you drink on.... Hello?
Tech Support - sounding Muffled and Laughing: - Hey anyone know if we have any spare DVD drives that don't pop out?




Hi...


That one gave me the best chuckle...!!:tinysmile_twink_t::

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

True story- a friend of mine spent some time working a tech support phone line. One thing he could count on Monday morning was a batch of calls from people complaining that their computer or printer wouldn't work.

He always asked them if they were sure it was plugged in...some of the callers got pretty indignant about lazy tech support, etc, etc....until they actually checked and found the plug out or part way out.

Turns out that the cleaning staff tended to knock the plugs loose vacuuming over the weekends.

 

[CozInCowtown]

Funny as hell but definately a bad idea here in Texas.

Scariest Elevator Prank Ever (Video) : theCHIVE

 

[CozInCowtown]

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why does a 'slight tax increase' cost you $200 and a 'substantial tax cut' save you 30 cents?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space?

If firefighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?

Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

What's the opposite of opposite?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

How come we choose from just two people for president and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes and from Finland Fines?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?


Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?