Two Eskimos

[CozInCowtown]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.






Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[CozInCowtown]

> No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words, COMPLETE and FINISHED. In a recently held linguistic competition in London, England, attended by the best in the world Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
> Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. "How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?"
> His answer made him receive an invitation to dine with the Queen who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum f or his answer.
> Answer:
> "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
> And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
> And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

 

[oldsarge]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"

 

[oldsarge]

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a
workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up. The
State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all
the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters
sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

The difference between involved and committed: In a bacon and eggs breakfast, the chicken is involved.... the pig is committed!

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

Sent to me by one of my FB buddies:

Would like to share an experience with you about my drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea!!!!!! Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it!

Note: before anybody gets their panties in a wad- I do not condone drunk driving.

 

[CozInCowtown]

The Seven Degrees of Cajun !!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FIRST DEGREE
Boudreaux and his wife were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Boudreaux picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The wife said, "Who was that?" Boudreaux answered, "I don't know, some man wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two Cajuns are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. He opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second Cajun says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Cajun hands him the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
Boudreaux suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes out and buys a gun. He goes to his house unexpectedly and when he opens the door he finds her in the arms of a redhead. Well, Boudreaux is really angry. He pulls out the gun, and as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and puts it to his head. His wife yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" Boudreaux replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
Boudreaux was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" Boudreaux replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the Cajun girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

 

[oldsarge]

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

 

[wvbreamfisherman]

:tinysmile_fatgrin_t

Two woodpeckers travelling on business get together in a bar. After a beer (or twelve), they get into a friendly discussion about how tough the trees are in their neck of the woods.

After a while they make a bet that their trees are the toughest.

So they fly to the first woodpecker's area. He lands on a limb and says "this oak tree has been here forever and a day- I've tried and tried to make a dent in it but all my effort had barely make a little dimple. Lets see what you can do!"

The second woodpecker lines up and hammers away. Chips fly, and soon there is ahole about an inch wide and two inches deep in the tree. The first woodpecker is amazed, and is pretty sure he's going to lose the bet, but he's not going to give up that easy, so off they go to the second woodpeckers forest.

They finally land on a tree and the second woodpecker says "Ok buddy- here you go. Seasoned ironwood and harder than a mother-in law's heart. See what you can do."

The first woodpecker is pretty low after seeing what happened on his home turf, but a bet's a bet, so he sidles over, lines up and starts drilling. As before, they are both amazed when the chips start flying and soon there is a nice hole on the ironwood tree.

Well, they put their heads together and declare a tie. They fly back to the bar and start drinking again.

After a bit, they tell the bartender what happened, and that they just can't understand it.

He throws back his head and laughs! The woodpeckers are a bit annoyed, and ansk him why he's laughing.

The bartender gets his laughter barely under control and says "Hell boys- everyone knows that the further you get from home, the harder your pecker gets!"

I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your server, and try the veal! :tinysmile_twink_t2:

 

[jason]

Santa is keeping it real this year. Here are some letters Santa replied to.

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer
Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a
career in lawn care.
How about I send you a book so you can
learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At
least HE can spell!
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and
the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't they?
Santa

-----

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under
the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots
make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me
a favour? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of
the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I
have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the butts of
cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do
you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good
luck in whatever you
do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your
folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater
again.
Santa

-----
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our
house, how do you get into
our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's
why you're getting
your butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live
in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get into
your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,
Santa

 

[beemerphill]

Shopping

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

:tinysmile_fatgrin_t:tinysmile_fatgrin_t

 

[CozInCowtown]

 

[CozInCowtown]

For my wifes friend....

In a dark hazy room peering into a crystal ball, the
Mystic delivered grave news.

"There is no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just
be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband
will die a violent and horrible death this year".

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and
to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Tellers gaze, steadied her voice and asked,
Will I be acquitted?"

For some reason wives tend to like this joke..........

 

[Grandpa]

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka, KS.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

 

[CozInCowtown]

Just cool!!

 

[oldsarge]

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka, KS.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

And stay the hell away from the Preparation H Isle!

 

[CozInCowtown]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he rem
oves his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"

 

[CozInCowtown]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Indian and a Chinese entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Chinese stole three chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Chinese said to the Indian "Man I'm the best thief, I stole three chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that!"

The Indian replied "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing".

So they went to the counter and the Indian said to the shopkeeper "Do you want to see magic?" The shopkeeper replied "Yes". The Indian said "Give me one chocolate bar". The shopkeeper gave him one and he ate it. The Indian asked for a second bar and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

The Indian replied "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate"

 

[CozInCowtown]

Grandpas new job,

Two hours into his first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids.
Hearing her swear at them, he said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?'
The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?'
He replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
His supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

 

[CozInCowtown]