Judy Ann
Active Member
How did you do that oldsarge and thank you for the picture to complete the story?! 
Two Eskimos
- Thread starter dinosaur
- Start date
Judy Ann
Active Member
:focus: That was thoughtful of you to protect her during her seizure.
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
What did I miss?
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
I found the joke on line, copied the URL for the photo and posted it here. I'm actually surprised it worked, normally I can't do anything on a computer without hours of trial and error.How did you do that oldsarge and thank you for the picture to complete the story?!
Pathfinder1
Well-Known Member
All good ones, sarge...!!
Never throw a hand grenade uphill.
Never throw a hand grenade uphill.
Pathfinder1
Well-Known Member
Hi...
Oldsarge, you out did yourself this time...excellent funnies...!!
Oldsarge, you out did yourself this time...excellent funnies...!!
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."
Last edited:
>
> Scotch with two drops of water.
>
> A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
>
> 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
>
> The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
>
> As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
>
> The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
>
> 'Coming up,' says the bartender
>
> As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
>
> The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
>
> 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
>
> As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
>
> The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
> Scotch with two drops of water.
>
> A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
>
> 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
>
> The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
>
> As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
>
> The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
>
> 'Coming up,' says the bartender
>
> As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
>
> The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
>
> 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
>
> As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
>
> The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
The Fence
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
Murphy’s Laws of Camping:
The need to urinate at night increases in direct relation to the hour past midnight, layers of clothing worn, occupants in your tent, and inches of rain since sunset. Curiously, it increases in ‘inverse’ relation to the outside temperature.
Rocks and sticks rise above dirt when irritated by tent flooring fabric.
Feet expand when removed from hiking boots. The same law applies to tents and tent bags, clothing and backpacks, and sleeping bags and stuff sacks.
Backpack strap widths decrease with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
Average local temperature increases with the amount of clothing packed.
Tent stakes come only in the quantity ‘N-1′ where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.
Fuel in sealed bottles spontaneously evaporates.
Fuel in stove reservoirs evaporates 10x as fast as fuel in sealed bottles.
All available humidity and moisture will congregate on match heads.
If no match heads are in the vicinity, all moisture will congregate inside waterproof clothing.
The one new tent on the trip that leaks will be yours.
The side of the tent that leaks will be your side.
All food assumes a common taste and color when freeze-dried.
Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.
When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, ‘hour’ should be substituted for ‘minute’ when reading the average quarts filtered per minute.
A backpack’s weight load migrates up and back the longer it is in motion.
All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.
Rain happens.
Waterproof clothing isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).
Non-stick pans aren’t.
Waterproof matches aren’t.
One size fits all don’t.
Anything bug-proof isn’t.
A backpack’s weight is not affected by the amount of food eaten out of it.
The minimum temperature rating for any sleeping bag raises as the external temperature lowers.
Ropes holding bear bags stretch.
The loudness of an animal at night grows as the size of the animal shrinks.
The sun sets 47% faster than normal when setting up camp. It sets another 28% faster if rain is eminent.
Of a 25% chance of rain, 100% will fall in your campsite.
When hiking, you take half as many downhill steps as uphill.
95% of a backpack’s contents could have been left at home.The 5% left at home will be needed.
The memory of misery approaches zero as the memory of joy approaches infinity.
The need to urinate at night increases in direct relation to the hour past midnight, layers of clothing worn, occupants in your tent, and inches of rain since sunset. Curiously, it increases in ‘inverse’ relation to the outside temperature.
Rocks and sticks rise above dirt when irritated by tent flooring fabric.
Feet expand when removed from hiking boots. The same law applies to tents and tent bags, clothing and backpacks, and sleeping bags and stuff sacks.
Backpack strap widths decrease with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.
Average local temperature increases with the amount of clothing packed.
Tent stakes come only in the quantity ‘N-1′ where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.
Fuel in sealed bottles spontaneously evaporates.
Fuel in stove reservoirs evaporates 10x as fast as fuel in sealed bottles.
All available humidity and moisture will congregate on match heads.
If no match heads are in the vicinity, all moisture will congregate inside waterproof clothing.
The one new tent on the trip that leaks will be yours.
The side of the tent that leaks will be your side.
All food assumes a common taste and color when freeze-dried.
Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.
When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, ‘hour’ should be substituted for ‘minute’ when reading the average quarts filtered per minute.
A backpack’s weight load migrates up and back the longer it is in motion.
All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.
Rain happens.
Waterproof clothing isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).
Non-stick pans aren’t.
Waterproof matches aren’t.
One size fits all don’t.
Anything bug-proof isn’t.
A backpack’s weight is not affected by the amount of food eaten out of it.
The minimum temperature rating for any sleeping bag raises as the external temperature lowers.
Ropes holding bear bags stretch.
The loudness of an animal at night grows as the size of the animal shrinks.
The sun sets 47% faster than normal when setting up camp. It sets another 28% faster if rain is eminent.
Of a 25% chance of rain, 100% will fall in your campsite.
When hiking, you take half as many downhill steps as uphill.
95% of a backpack’s contents could have been left at home.The 5% left at home will be needed.
The memory of misery approaches zero as the memory of joy approaches infinity.
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
Three old men are sittin’ in their kayaks fishing a cove on a quiet Sunday morning when a funeral procession drives by. One of the old men takes off his hat & puts it over his heart. The procession winds its way around the cove and disappears over a hill. The old man puts his hat back on and continues fishing. One of the other old timers says “Geeze Ed, that was a thoughtful thing to do.” Ed replies “It was the least I could do after 49 years of marriage.”
oldsarge
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 3,764
- Points
- 63
For all you infantry vet's!
Murphy's Laws of Combat
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when you're ready for them.
when you're not ready for them.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
Friendly fire isn't.
If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
The one item you need is always in short supply.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.
A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Murphy was a grunt.
Murphy's Laws of Combat
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when you're ready for them.
when you're not ready for them.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
Friendly fire isn't.
If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
The one item you need is always in short supply.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.
A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Murphy was a grunt.
How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? With the coyote you usually see skid marks.
What do you call 5,000 attorneys at the bottom of the ocean chained to cinder blocks? A good start.
What do you call 5,000 attorneys at the bottom of the ocean chained to cinder blocks? A good start.
Why are you dissing the lawyers dino? is it the fault of the 1 % that the other 99% give them a bad name?
Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply: Good.
Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.
The National Institute of Health has announced they will no longer be using rats for experimentation. In their place, they will be using attorneys. Three reasons were given.
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers do not become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.
The National Institute of Health has announced they will no longer be using rats for experimentation. In their place, they will be using attorneys. Three reasons were given.
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers do not become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
beemerphill
Member
Russian Christmas
A Russian couple were walking down the street in St. Petersburg, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." They were just about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a minor Communist party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
:tinysmile_grin_t::tinysmile_fatgrin_t
A Russian couple were walking down the street in St. Petersburg, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." They were just about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a minor Communist party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
:tinysmile_grin_t::tinysmile_fatgrin_t
A doctor, an architect and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the the subject of their respective dogs. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician called out to the parking lot: "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates was told to do his stuff. The dog ran out to the golf course and dug up some bones, brought them inside and assembled them into a perfect miniature human skeleton. The physician gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect called his dog. "Sliderule, come!". Sliderule came and with a nod from the architect, crushed the skeleton in his jaws and immediately assembled the remains into a perfect model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
Then came the attorney. "Bullshit, come!". Bullshit entered and without any prompting, immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
The physician called out to the parking lot: "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates was told to do his stuff. The dog ran out to the golf course and dug up some bones, brought them inside and assembled them into a perfect miniature human skeleton. The physician gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect called his dog. "Sliderule, come!". Sliderule came and with a nod from the architect, crushed the skeleton in his jaws and immediately assembled the remains into a perfect model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
Then came the attorney. "Bullshit, come!". Bullshit entered and without any prompting, immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
StillLikeToCamp
New Member
- Messages
- 25
- Points
- 0
Well I have to just comment here that I'm new to the board and just checking this part out. Oh my, I have been laughing for the longest and have read most of the jokes here. How nice to have such a topic. It's good to LOL!
Pathfinder1
Well-Known Member
Hi...
Shame on you guys for dissing attorneys. I'm going to report you all to my law firm...Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.
Shame on you guys for dissing attorneys. I'm going to report you all to my law firm...Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.